Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
