Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
