Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
