my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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