"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
