remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
