A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
