I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
