Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
