why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
