Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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