I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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