My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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