I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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