dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
