i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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