We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
