Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
