i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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