After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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