yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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