I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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