I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
