He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar