I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.