In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.