He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize