Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT