Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
