He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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