Got a toothbrush?
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
