Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
