I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
