margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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