some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
