"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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