it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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