oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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