Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
