And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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