Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
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In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.