We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
