Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Less talking, more tequila
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
