her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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