I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
