Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
