The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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