I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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