her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
