I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
