I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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