True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
