You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
