OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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