I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
