I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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