I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
