Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
